Like I’ve said a million times before, I love to masturbate. Which is not really a bad thing because I’m pretty sure everybody does it, I don’t care who you are. I don’t care how much you get laid. Or how sexy your significant other is. I’m sure Hugh Hefner just likes to get away from all the pussy floating around at the Playboy Mansion 24/7, and just likes to hide away and pump his dick once in a while. There’s nothing wrong with a “Casual Masturbator” not one bit. However, when you take things overboard and step into the “Pathological Masturbator” category things suddenly change for the worst.Unfortunately for me I was a Pathological Masturbator by age 13. Up until about 16 masturbation was basically my girlfriend. I thought about her at work, I thought about her at school, she practically was all I thought about and for good reason, I knew she would always be by my side.
As a PM I would go through strange masturbation phases. This is basically where you become devoted to a particular type of porn and only that type for a period of time. For example, if I was in my anal phase, I would exclusively watch anal porn and nothing else for days, weeks, or maybe even months at a time. Then once I was done with that phase it may not interest me again
for months. But I have always had this strange “older lady” phase that always seemed to be lurking in my head. It would come and go just like other phases, but it seem to be present more than most. Oh, and I’m not talking sexy porn star MILF or Cougar kind of old. I’m talking old like, your mom or maybe even your grandmas best friend kinda old. Weird? Yes, I know. Another downside to being a PM is that you can masturbate so much that you overload yourself and masturbation just isn’t gratifying enough so you start flipping through your phone, calling random friends up demanding pussy. Then when that doesn’t work, you hop online and whore yourself out for 13 hours straight. Hoping to find some kind of hook up. But the worst is when these two situations collide like two Mack trucks. More specifically when you’re in that nasty old woman phase and you just overloaded yourself on masturbation, so your now in a mindless quest for sex.
So one night I’m in a fucking zone. A ZONE! I didn’t have to work, no errands to run and my house was totally empty. So naturally I had been beating off for upwards of 3 hours on and off with no clear end in sight. I’m watching tons of porn, mostly old white house wives getting dicked down by young black guys, so I’m pretty much in heaven. Another couple of hours past of relentless masturbation and it’s starting to hit me. I’m overloading. Overloading is sorta like a woman’s period. You know it’s coming, and ain’t shit you can do to stop it. Of course I could have stopped masturbating, but we all know that’s not an option with me. So before I knew it I’m logged into Blackplanet.com sending dick pics to every 50yo old woman within a 50 mile radius of me. I knew it was wrong, I knew my account would probably get banned, but the masturbation mad me do it. After spamming my dick pic to about 30 random woman on Blackplanet, much of the responses were along the lines of:
Get the fuck off my page pervert!
Your dick looks nasty!
Your fucking sick!
I’m reporting you!
And my response was more along the lines of:
Your ugly anyways
Then finally, BLING! MsKGoode6969 hit me up with an instant message and she was interested. She said she liked my pic and thought I was sexy and wanted to hook up. Which basically meant she probably looked like the product of a donkey and a meerkat crossbreeding. So I went to her page and overviewed it… Hmm Age:49 CHECK! Sex:Female CHECK! Location:40 miles away CHECK!, it also said she liked younger men and was a freak, CHIZECK!! Shit like this is never this easy for me, has to be too good to be true. I scrolled down too look at her pics and immediately regretted doing so. She had about 5 pics. Each pic of her in a different piece of lingerie. Each pic so terrible that a blind man would be pissed-off if he seen them. In the pictures she looked more like a WWE Light Heavy Contender, than she did a woman dressed in lingerie. She appeared to be about 6’2 200lbs of pure nastiness. She was black-skinned, REALLY BLACK, like Bat Mobile Black! I mean I’m pretty dark myself but she took the whole, “blacker the berry sweeter” the juice saying to another level. Her juice had to be pure fucking sugar cane, boiled down to a liquid by Jesus Christ himself. Being that I was horny as all hell, overloaded on masturbation, and a fucking moron I decided to hook up.
After about 40 minutes of driving I finally arrived at her place. I didn’t know the drive was going to be that long, so on the drive over I lost quiet a bit of my hornyness and my backlash from overloading on masturbation, so I was kinda having second thoughts when I remembered what her pictures looked like. But let’s not forget I am still Marcus and I am still a weak man. When I got out my car a chick came rushing out to her patio staring at me. The chick looked nothing like Kimmy. She was about 19-shades lighter in complexion, nice thick body with a decent size waist, and she had to be in her mid 20′s. She waved at me as I got out my car, as if she was expecting. I started to think wow this bitch looks nothing like her pics, she’s totally fuckable!! I made my way to the apartment that I got the inviting wave from but, what the fuck! She was in apartment 103 and I was looking for apartment 104. (FML) I was so tempted to just knock on the door and see what would happened but I restrained myself. I made my way to apt. 104 and knocked. While waiting for her to come to the door I noticed 2 things. 1: her door was dirty and smelled like mold, so this gave me a preview of what to expect once I got inside. 2: her peep-hole was not in the normal spot, but lower, way lower only about 3 feet from the ground. I didn’t know what to make of this initially. But with a little thought it came to me. This bitch was living in the handicap apartment!! I was not prepared for this shit at all. I mean I’m not against fucking a handicap bitch by no means. But one has to mentally prepare for some shit like this. I started regretting not taking my chances with the chick in 103.
So Kimmy finally opened the door. Right away I was hit with a smell of mildew mold and budussy (budussy is Booty/Dick/Pussy, for those who don’t know), just as I expected and she wasn’t in a wheelchair thank god. Kimmy was standing in front of me with the biggest government cheese smile I ever seen. She was just as black as her pictures made her seem. However she was not 6’2 as I originally thought, but closer to my height 5’11. Even though she wasn’t as tall as I thought, she was very much so as wide as I thought. She was dressed in some black lingerie which was kinda hard to focus on because it matched her black ass skin. She invited me in and led me back to the bat-cave. Her apartment was pretty shitty. There was about for old ass Windows 2000 desktops piled into the corner, a dinning room table with no chairs and all the furniture looked like it belonged on the set of That 70′s Show. When we got into her room I finally got a good look at her in the light, and I wanted to go home. She was horrible looking and even though I was still somewhat horny I didn’t know if I wanted to go through with it. But apparently my dick had its mind made up so I stayed.
We started to talk, but it was really hard to understand her because she had a mild stutter and talked in 3rd person for some idiotic reason.
Me: So what do you do for a living?
Kimmy: Kimmy Goode Goode been a district substitute for–for-for 12 years.
Me: How many kids you got?
Kimmy: Ki-Ki Kimmy Goode Goode got 4 kids.
So after about 5 minutes of talking to her I was ready to Buster Douglas this bitch!
Eventually we got to the sex. I stood up and hit it from the back. The whole time watching this nasty white foam build up on my dick. It was very thick and very white, I didn’t even wanna touch it and I wanted the sex to be over before it even begun. I closed my eyes and thought about fucking the neighbor in 103 I had seen moments earlier, to help me cum. This plan worked and I came in about 4.22 minutes. Kimmy GoodeGoode was kinda disappointed in the sex and I also felt kinda bad so I decided to stay and chat a while rather than just grab my shit and go.
After talking to her for a while she actually turned out to be one of the coolest old ladies I ever hated fucking. I asked about her neighbor and she gave me the full lowdown on her and offered to introduce me, which I accepted. So we went over knocked on the door and she introduced me as her computer guy and told her I was over fixing her computers and I thought she was cute. She took my number and said she would call me later. I must be dreaming shit like this doesn’t happen to Marcus. This lady was the shit! I asked about her name and she explained to me that Kimmy Goode was her government name and she just adds the second Goode because all the men tell her her pussy is so Good. When she first told me this I almost threw up right there on her bed, until I heard a light racket coming from the other room. What the hell is that, I thought. She opened the door and started talking in baby talk as if she was talking to a puppy or some sort of pet. When she got back I joked with her:
Me: What you got in that room, couple Chinese sex slaves? hahaha
Kimmy: Ahh no, that’s my son, he has down syndrome.
Me: Ohhh…..um…ok cool….soo I probably should get going
I got the hell out of that house as quickly as possible with no intentions of ever returning.
Fast forward a day and guess where I am? Right the fuck back at Kimmy’s. Why? You may ask, well let me explain briefly: The next day the sexy chick in 103 called me up; She was talking kinda freaky and so she invited me over; I couldn’t have hopped in my car and made the 40 mile trip any quicker; Hung out with the sexy chick in 103 for about an hour; Then she had to run an errand. She asked if I would wait at Kimmys place for her to return in about 45 minutes or so; An hour and a half later I am still at Kimmys house trying to fight off her attempts to fuck me again.
So as I sit at Kimmy’s, on the bed watching BET play the same fucking movie they play every month. You know, the one with Q-Tip in it, where he goes to prison. I hear a knock at the door. Oh thank god the chick in 103 has finally returned for me, I’m saved! But in fact it wasn’t my savior in 103, it was Kimmy’s sister, bringing Kimmy’s down syndrome son home from school. Oh, this is just fucking great!
Before I could even hear the door close this little fucker comes shooting into the bedroom like a fucking silent Tasmanian devil lighting bolt. I had my back to the door so couldn’t actually see I’m shoot into the room. But I could feel the breeze on the back of my neck so I knew it was something there, however I wasn’t certain until he did a fucking cannon ball right in the center of the bed. Fuck!! I hate kids so fucking much. But a retarded kid I not only hate, but I am scared of. There likely to lash out and do any fucking thing at any fucking moment. I turned around and did my fake “Hey Buddy, how are you” and he just stared at me. Then Kimmy informed me that he doesn’t speak. He doesn’t speak? What the fuck you mean he doesn’t speak. He has a mouth right? This is what I wanted to say but instead I shrugged it off. I turned around and pretended to watch tv, but I could not relax with Radio Junior behind me smacking on a lollipop like it was the “last supper”. Little did I know things were about to get worst. In a split second Kimmy gets up and goes into the kitchen to talk to her sister. What the fuck is going on here! My stomach sank, I kinda felt like I was a child again and my mommy just left me alone at Casey Anthony’s pool party.
So now it’s me and the mute Radio in the room together alone. (FML) So what do I do? I panic. I immediately stand up face the bed and assume a defensive position. Why did I do this? I really don’t know, it was the first thing that came to mind, Protect yourself! Radio is staring back at me, going HAM on his lollipop. He’s licking the lollipop then rubbing it all over his face and neck over and over(literally). He drops it on the bed only to pick it right back up and pop it in his mouth and continue the cycle. He is also doing it at lighting speed. It almost feels like I’m watching a movie on fast forward. And the whole time he’s doing this he hasn’t taken his eyes off me. For a moment I thought, he has to be just fucking with me. He was about 11 or 12 so he probably knew how to fuck with people’s heads and shit, ya know not being able to talk and all. Then I realize how awkward this is gonna look if Kimmy walks back in. So I come outta my defensive position and I start to pace trying to think of what to do next. By this time Radio is laying on his stomach still staring at me and still violating the lollipop. This shit can’t be normal, maybe I should let his mom know, maybe this shit is normal or as normal as it gets for a retard. At this point I want to leave so bad, I just wanna go home and never come back. But if I do then no belly bumping for me and the chick in 103. Fuck!! At that moment I can kinda hear Kimmy wrapping up the conversation with her sister. So I take one last look at Radios face and while he looks totally fucking retarded, I can sorta see a human-being inside. He didn’t have a really psychotic look on his face for somebody who’s painting their face with a lollipop. He actually was kind of smiling. Maybe this is the first time he’s ever got to eat a lollipop by himself, I shouldn’t hold that against him. So I decide to sit back down.
The first attempt I sat down for a split second, then I had second thoughts so I got up. I regrouped and went in for a second attempt. Another spilt second, I wasn’t comfortable. I can now hear Kimmy walking down the hall. I try again this time a full second, it didn’t feel natural. So just before Kimmy walked in I sat down one last time. Only one butt cheek on the bed, as far away from Radio as possible, looking way more uncomfortable than all my other attempts combined. But it was successful, Kimmy comes in and doesn’t notice a thing.
Radio is Still going balls to the wall on the lollipop, she looks at him not even mentioning the fact that 75% of the lollipop is spread over his face and says “go get ready for a bath”. ( I guess that shit was normal) Radio lighting bolts out the room in seconds. (Thats one obedient little silent fucker) I start to think to myself, I don’t know how much longer I can take this shit. Yeah 103′s pussy was in the balance, but trying to act natural in front of Radio was hard work. 5 minutes later Kimmy calls for Radio and he comes shooting back into the room BUTT ASS NAKED. Without saying a word I get up, grab my shit, and make my way toward the door. Before leaving out I yell back to Kimmy “I’ll be in my car” just incase she heard from 103 before I did. 45 minutes to an hour MORE of waiting on 103. She finally arrives along with her hysterical cousin. Apparently there’s been an emergency and she has to drive her cousin 3 hours away for some bullshit reason I didn’t care to listen to. So with no other options I didn’t contest, I started up my car and took my dumbass home. But please believe when I got home I beat my dick like it was a Mexican orphan.Posted on July 9th, 2011 by iBlackguy | 2 Comments »