One day of sitting around playing Xbox with a friend of mine, he told me one of the sweetest things I had ever heard in my life! He told me that you could go to your local massage school and get rubbed down by a hot eighteen year old high school drop out, for practically nothing. For only twenty five bucks an hour. I could get a chick that wouldn’t dare fuck me in a million years to rub me down for basically two dollars a minute. At first, I was a little pissed that he would hold back such lucrative information from me for so long, because he had been already going for months. However, I quickly got over it and I wanted to go, BAD. We talked a while longer about it until the subject of happy endings came up. I was totally clueless about the situation. I thought happy endings were standard when giving a paid massage. Apparently I was completely wrong. Apparently the little eighteen year old slut that will more than likely end up giving happy endings after she graduates, dose not give happy endings now. What the fuck? My mood took a 360. Mentally, I went from second base with Beyonce. To anal fisting the fat bitch from the movie Precious. I seen no point what so ever in paying a bitch to rub every part of my body except my penis. That was like buying a taco with no meat or a Twinkie with no cream filling. It was like buying a hooker That didn’t swallow. This shit was preposterous, and to think my friend had been participating in this for months. I was shocked and appalled. After several minutes of debating the relevance of non-sexual massages we agreed on one thing. We agreed we were gonna find us a happy ending.
We had never done anything like this before, so we really had no clue where to begin. It was still morning though, so I went back to my place to wait for a more appropriate hour for a happy ending, also to do a little research on where to even find such place. A few hours later we met back up and compared ideas. There were plenty of chicks with online ads for a mobile masseuse. Meaning they would come to your house and massage you. It was so hard to distinguish the shady girls from the legit girls so we scratched that plan. There were also some big chain massage places that were obviously a no go. So we ended up settling for one of the many oriental hole in the walls around the city. At first we started calling around to various oriental massage parlors asking them “ Do you do happy endings and if so how much? ” After getting hung up on several times we realized happy endings were illegal. They just can’t admit that they do happy endings over the phone, that would be just stupid. That’s like a hooker with a business card. It was too incriminating. So we had to do this face to face.
We found a place online that was fairly close to my friends house. When we showed up, it was a small white building with blacked out windows and an “open” sign on the outside, that’s it. There was no business sign no pricing on the windows, nothing. We walked in and was met by an empty reception desk. Moments later a sexy Asian lady in a lab coat came out and greeted us. She looked a little suspicious and I could tell she didn’t have scrubs on under that lab coat because I only saw skin.
Lady: May I help you?
Me: Yeah, we wanna get massages.
Lady: Oh both of you?
No bitch, I wanna get my dick rubbed while my buddy watches. OF COURSE BOTH OF US! That is what I wanted to say
Me: Yes, how much is it.
Lady: Oh no no no we no do two.
Me: What do you mean “we no do two”
Lady: no no we only do one, sorry you must go.
Me: What do you…
Lady: YOU MUST GO!
We left in shock. What the fuck just happened? Did we really just get kicked out of a massage joint because “She no do two”? Did she think we wanted some freaky tag team hand job? Or maybe a two for one? We had no idea what just happened. When we got into the car my friend had the conclusion. She thought we were the cops. We were young, dressed rather nice, probably using all the wrong lingo and we were traveling in a pair just as all cops do. This bitch thought we were the po-po
A bit disappointed, but we were not ready to give up yet. My boy remembered another place only a couple miles away so we made our way over to try our luck again. When we arrived it was another blacked out store front, but this time in the middle of a strip mall. We decided to go in together but this time we planned to split up if requested. We step inside, to see a small window similar to a toll booth shelter with a door bell next to it. We ring the bell and out comes another Asian lady from the back. The conversation went much like the one with the first lady but instead when she said she could only do one of us I took one for the team and left. At first I was feeling a little left out. Here my buddy is getting wacked off by a little Chinese woman and I’m sitting in the parking lot waiting for him to get done like a fucking child. I was not gonna stand for this shit. I jumped on my phone and googled “ Local massage parlors” to my luck there was one only about five miles down the road.
It only took me about five minutes to get there, probably because I was so anxious I drove there like I was Jeff Gordon and had a twenty four printed on the side of my car. Everything was pretty much the same only this Asian lady’s accent was not as thick as the others, she sounded a lot more American. I told her I wanted a thirty minute massage and she replied $60. I didn’t anticipate spending that much at all, but there was no turning back at this point. She showed me to my room and told me to get comfortable. Get comfortable? I had no idea what that meant. I know how to get comfortable at home. Throw on some basketball shorts and a wife-beater and I’m set. But I didn’t know how to get comfortable at an oriental massage joint. Do I get butt naked? Do I keep my socks on? Or maybe I just go down to my boxers. Fuck! I knew she would be back at any moment so I had to hurry up and make a decision. I decided to play it safe. I kept my boxers and my socks on and laid on my belly across the table. Yes, sounds stupid, I know. But she said get comfortable and I wouldn’t have been comfortable laying there in my birthday suit when she walked in. So fuck you.
When she comes in it’s a middle aged Korean woman that looked more like she should have been running a dry cleaners rather than giving happy endings. This didn’t bother me this only meant she had experience. She started out rubbing my back and it is really soothing. I didn’t come here for that I came here for one thing only. I asked her if she could hit my front a little bit, she said sure. She is rubbing my entire body with nice warm lotion except my penis. I’m starting to regret not taking my boxers off. I keep dropping hints for her to rub my dick. Like telling her “ Go lower go lower.”
Or making my dick jump inside of my boxers. Nothing was working she ignored it all. Then I realized something I didn’t know proper happy ending etiquette. Thirty minutes later and my massage was over! With not one drop of warm oil on my penis. There goes sixty bucks down the drain. I looked at the Korean lady like what the fuck and she said “ Sorry thirty minutes up.” It took everything in my body not to knock this bitch back into the Korean War. I briefly told her that her massage sucked and left out with her yelling at me in Korean.
I went back to pick my friend up and he has the biggest fucking smile on his face. I haven’t seen a white guy smile that hard since they put mayonnaise in a squeeze bottle. He went on to brag about how great it was and I had to fight back the urge of wanting to punch him in the face the whole way home. I only had one question for him: Did you get naked? His answer was yes. Fuck fuck fuck I knew that’s where I went wrong. I’m an idiot. Even when you go get a legit massage your supposed to get naked, but my dumb ass decided to actually “Get comfortable” FML.
When I got home I sat all day pissed off at the world, mainly just the Asian continent though. Until I couldn’t take it no more. I was going to get me a damn happy ending. I went online and found another place that was near my house. I was determined to get me a fucking happy ending. If not I was almost certain I’d be on the 10 O’clock news for slingshoting my car into an oriental massage parlors lobby. I went into the place that was just around the corner from my house. Slapped my sixty dollars on the counter and said “Give me thirty minutes.” The Asian lady behind the desk smiled and buzzed me into the back. I sorta felt like a pro at this by now, this had been my fourth time visiting a massage joint today. Yes, I know this is pathetic but Marcus isn’t a quitter.
She showed me to my room and said those so familiar words “Get comfortable.” Before she could even close the door I started to strip. In seconds I was butt ass naked, no socks, no boxers. There was a small towel on the table which I guess I was supposed to cover my private parts up with, but not thanks. I rolled it up and tucked it behind my head for extra support because the pillow they provided was rather shitty. So here I am, butt ass naked, not a fiber on my body, spread eagle with my hands behind my head, waiting patiently for my Asian masseuse to greet me. She finally arrived and I could see the shock look on her face when she walked in and seen me laying there like I was prepped for an autopsy. She was a bit older and also Korean. No need to go into details though, because we all know if you seen one Asian, you seen them all.
Lady: Ohhh, you comfy aye?
Lady: OK, you turn your stomach, I start on you back.
Me: Ahh no thanks, that won’t be necessary
Lady: Ohh, whea yo towel? I cova you up.
Me: That won’t be necessary either.
I think she got the point. She started to try and small talk with me but I wasn’t in the mood. I wanted to say less talkie more rubbie, but instead I just ignored her. She still was dancing around my penis rubbing every where but there. I was about ten minutes in and she didn’t so much as look at my dick. I thought about saying,”so your are gonna give me a happy ending right?” but I had a feeling that would ruin things. So I made a bold move. When she worked her way back around my body so she was standing at my chest area. I reached out and grabbed the biggest hand full humanly possible of flat Asian booty. I didn’t know what was going to happen. She looked at me, I looked at her, and she gave me the naughtiest dirty little Asian smile. Open sesame! I had pushed the right button. Still holding on to her ass she went immediately for my dick. I swear I felt Jesus give me a pat on the back, job well done. She started stroking me with that warm oil like I was a ball of clay and she had been instructed to mold a penis. It is really hard to describe the euphoria you feel when a tiny Asian woman is stroking your meat, but I imagine it probably feels a lot like fucking an angel. Yeah a real angel from heaven. It was so good I came in about 4 minutes. She wiped me all clean with a hot towel, and I spent my remaining 15 minutes in a very relaxed state, somewhere in between diabetic coma and death. She woke me when my time was up and I started getting dressed.
Lady: You like?
Me: Oh yeah, I like.
Lady: Good good. OK you tip?
Lady: You tip…
I thought about saying go talk to the bitch at the front counter about your tip since I had already paid 60. But I couldn’t fuck this up. When was the next time I’d be able to fuck an angel? Not never! I reached in my pocket and handed her 30 bucks. I had no idea what to tip for a happy ending. But judging by the look on her face I tipped way to much. Her face lit up like she just received her green card in the mail. But I didn’t care. I see why they call it a happy ending because I left a happy man. It took four massage parlors, a days worth of driving and $150. Just to get my happy ending, but it was all worth it. Even though now that I think back I probably could have bought my own personal Asian woman on the black-market for that price.Posted on September 13th, 2011 by iBlackguy | 1 Comment »